isolation

i went all day today without a single human interaction. oh sure, i saw and talked with people, but i was always the funny, sarcastic, flirty guy or i was the drink order/maker guy or i was the salesman or i was the employee and i only talked to the boss, the customer, the friendly customer, the "girls i work with." see, no human to human interaction. just one facade or "mode" briefly engaging another out of desire or circumstance. wow, a whole day and i didnt see anyone and no one saw me. hell, i didnt even see me.

and that's exactly what is required of us these days. nothing. i can turn on employee mode, do what needs to get done, drive to the atm, get my "hard earned" money, go to the mcdonald's drive thru, order to a voice, exchange money with a money changer, get my food from food giver, go "home" and be entertained by tv personalities.

often times we make it easier on ourselves as well by putting a mode on someone, no matter how real they're trying to be. we only have to interact with our projection of someone and save ourselves the trouble of caring about them and their situation and life.

so forget about being considerate or loving. if i'm not me and i dont see anyone for who they are then what's to care about? "i wont put back the magazine i was looking it, someone else will," "oh, my mom will clean my room for me," "why clear my plate, someone gets paid to," "i'm a paying customer, so my drink has to be ready NOW, even though i'm going to be hanging out in the store for another hour and half," "why doesnt that bum just get a job-- he's getting no hand-outs from me!" nothing's required of us!

the 2 worst, i think, are when children get abused (even just ignoring them is abuse-- knowing you're loved is necessary for development and life!) and stripping the dignity from women and turning them into prostitutes. and you dont have to have sex with them to do that. Jesus said that looking lustfully at a woman is as having committed adultery with her. so basically, you just raped her.

the human condition. and we're all to blame.

repentance-- confession, contrition and penance. i'll be the first to admit that i treat people like shit. i hate it. but it's so easy! if you are in my life to any degree, i've used and abused you. i want to be sorry, but to be sorry means to make up for it and to do better. so not only is abusing easy, but being real is hard.

i guess the question is, what's the trade off? what do we get out of being real and sincere and considerate (especially when it takes so much effort, like telling a friend something they arent going to want to hear or serving someone who really just deserves a crack in the mouth)?

we get to be ourselves. or at least, that's what i'm told. if i give in to all my selfish, shallow desires, i'm an animal-- nothing more. if i feed the other dog, as it were, i'm letting Christ live through me. maybe the real Real Me doesnt get a chance until we shed this mortal coil. "whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

so where does that leave me? i want to want to but i dont want to. the ol' "suck it up, princess" adage seems fitting at this point. i guess that's when we know it's true love for Christ-- to love people when we know how much it can suck.

why does it have to be the little things that matter? if i could just do grand acts of kindness i'd be good to go.

boy, is a fake life easy, but i kinda hate it. i only say kinda b/c it sure is easier.

hmm.