all i can do

i'll never know myself enough and i can never know my heart. God does. do what i need to do, as i feel led, as i know is right, and give it to God. "i dont know my heart, but whatever it is, i give this to You, so regardless of my ulterior motives and intentions, You are still glorified."

social justice, go!

if we just sit around a table, drinking our sophisticated coffee, discussing the world's complex social issues, while being extra sophisticated (because we're college students and all [a junior college still counts, right?]), then we're effecting a change and making a difference in the world, right? ...Right?

isolation

i went all day today without a single human interaction. oh sure, i saw and talked with people, but i was always the funny, sarcastic, flirty guy or i was the drink order/maker guy or i was the salesman or i was the employee and i only talked to the boss, the customer, the friendly customer, the "girls i work with." see, no human to human interaction. just one facade or "mode" briefly engaging another out of desire or circumstance. wow, a whole day and i didnt see anyone and no one saw me. hell, i didnt even see me.

and that's exactly what is required of us these days. nothing. i can turn on employee mode, do what needs to get done, drive to the atm, get my "hard earned" money, go to the mcdonald's drive thru, order to a voice, exchange money with a money changer, get my food from food giver, go "home" and be entertained by tv personalities.

often times we make it easier on ourselves as well by putting a mode on someone, no matter how real they're trying to be. we only have to interact with our projection of someone and save ourselves the trouble of caring about them and their situation and life.

so forget about being considerate or loving. if i'm not me and i dont see anyone for who they are then what's to care about? "i wont put back the magazine i was looking it, someone else will," "oh, my mom will clean my room for me," "why clear my plate, someone gets paid to," "i'm a paying customer, so my drink has to be ready NOW, even though i'm going to be hanging out in the store for another hour and half," "why doesnt that bum just get a job-- he's getting no hand-outs from me!" nothing's required of us!

the 2 worst, i think, are when children get abused (even just ignoring them is abuse-- knowing you're loved is necessary for development and life!) and stripping the dignity from women and turning them into prostitutes. and you dont have to have sex with them to do that. Jesus said that looking lustfully at a woman is as having committed adultery with her. so basically, you just raped her.

the human condition. and we're all to blame.

repentance-- confession, contrition and penance. i'll be the first to admit that i treat people like shit. i hate it. but it's so easy! if you are in my life to any degree, i've used and abused you. i want to be sorry, but to be sorry means to make up for it and to do better. so not only is abusing easy, but being real is hard.

i guess the question is, what's the trade off? what do we get out of being real and sincere and considerate (especially when it takes so much effort, like telling a friend something they arent going to want to hear or serving someone who really just deserves a crack in the mouth)?

we get to be ourselves. or at least, that's what i'm told. if i give in to all my selfish, shallow desires, i'm an animal-- nothing more. if i feed the other dog, as it were, i'm letting Christ live through me. maybe the real Real Me doesnt get a chance until we shed this mortal coil. "whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

so where does that leave me? i want to want to but i dont want to. the ol' "suck it up, princess" adage seems fitting at this point. i guess that's when we know it's true love for Christ-- to love people when we know how much it can suck.

why does it have to be the little things that matter? if i could just do grand acts of kindness i'd be good to go.

boy, is a fake life easy, but i kinda hate it. i only say kinda b/c it sure is easier.

hmm.

the rest of the story...

so things didnt work out exactly as we expected them to, but our time rocked just the same.

we started on a little known trail, Pohono, hiked a distance of just about 4 miles with an approx. 2100 ft vertical gain. yeah. intense. i'm really impressed with myself in being able to read the map as far as altitude and finding water goes. jimmy, by the way, is a natural at finding water by reading his environment.

we camped at a place called stanford point, about 300 feet below our peak for the trip, next to meadow brook. we had a gorgeous view overlooking the valley, with some falls off in the distance. really cool. jengish took a picture or 2 at about sunset. you can read about his perspective by going to his blog (hint, there's a link on the side of my page --->).

it was a hard time. i was getting down on myself for needing so many breaks on the way up, not giving myself grace for the intensity of the climb and the fact that i've done nothing physical since the end of the lecture phase of my dts (in november) and have gained 2 inches on my waist since february (i lost a bit of that after this trip). on the way down the next day i realized how intense it really was (ignoring the numbers i already knew) and decided to go easy on myself.

i built the fire the night we were there and jimmy built it in the morning. we woke up wet from the frost during the night. the fire was a welcome guest in the morning (the only reason i was able to get out of my sleeping bag).

we dined during the trip on... food bars and string cheese. yep. from right after lunch to right before the next day, that was our diet. we all brought our own bars, jimmy brought the cheese (and had no problem cutting it, either) and i stumbled upon an interesting new thing when i was at the store the previous day. right under the energy bars in target there was a box of "sport bean jelly belly's." i figured if i dont try them now, i never will. something just didnt seem right about them. well, on the trail, they're actually pretty good-- tasty and nutritious (based on the fact that they taste like sweet vitamins). yeah. would i buy them again? yeah, maybe, if my budget allows, but real food first, next time.

yeah, i forgot that since we would be below 9600 feet we could have fires, meaning we could cook real food. oh well. the bars carried us through.

so what things did we talk about and what spiritual lessons did God reveal? you'll have to come next time to find out. that's actually just an easy way to say i dont remember. just kidding.

maybe you'll hear about some ideas we covered in upcoming blogs.... who knows?

peace out side (and it is!)

oh, come to the church in the wild....

that's what i'm talking about!

i will be unavailable over the next 40 hours or so b/c i'm going to yosemite with jengish and jimmy. yeah, u heard me right. dont be jealous. ok, fine. u can be a little bit jealous.

i planned a trail, starting at about 8.5k feet which climbs about 1500 ft over a 4-5 mile distance. not too bad. at the top of the hike are a cluster of lakes, aptly called Ten Lakes. that's where i plan to reside for the night.

should be awesome. not too much of a hike, kinda intense elevation gain, plenty of beautiful landscape to explore once we make it to the lakes, i get to wear (and hopefully use!) my new knife w/o looking like a dork and i get to spend some quality time with jimmy, jengish and my loving Father.

there's this awesome quote by john muir (famous trail blazer, especially in the sierra nevada range) that goes something along the lines of even the most bored, overworked and over stressed city folk find they come home when they come to the mountains. works for me. it's what they call God's country, a-hee-huck. P-tew-- BING.

life

or something like it

the other day i sat through the harsh reality of the lives of some kids that we visit every week. i'm still reeling and processing and waiting for my heart to completely shatter.

a quick run-down-- a 9 year old boy cant read, cant write, cant add and even has trouble speaking. the good thing is he just started school. the bad thing is he's already at least 2 years behind and with the way our "education" system is, he'll never catch up. add on top of all of that a family life that is lacking. parents who arent present, grandparents who dont give a ffff (and liberally use that word in his presence) and no one who cares to spend time with him, tell him he's good, teach him how to live or even how to function.

i'm realizing more and more, or becoming more and more aware, of the simplicity of NOW, more precisely, HERE AND NOW. i am right now. this is the gift God has given me. my gift back to Him is me right here. in this moment, in this place, what can i do to honor God and show the world Who He is?

i thank God that He's helping me become more and more aware of His Presence in and around me and the simple fact that i am exactly where He wants me to be a light for Him. i'm at borders because, at the least, there is one believer who doesnt know what it means to believe. there's another girl who used to weigh 180 pounds and weighs what she weighs now b/c of diet drugs. another girl is a lesbian. another has abandoned her faith. one guy doesnt know how to interact with human beings and another guy doesnt know how to be one. what other reason can God have me at borders than to share Him with them as He's has shared Himself with me?

the same holds true for this little family with these forgotten children. if i dont remember them, who will? if i wont affirm them, who will? if i dont show them that love is more powerful than any "spell" or skill or drug or problem or situation or pain, who will?

ah, and here's the clincher. i can't. i can't be the one. Jesus Christ, through me, can, if i let Him, if i ask Him to and trust Him as He does, as He leads, whatever it takes to release Him.

see, life is pretty simple.

sola faulte

where's the faith in no Real Presence, baptism being symbolic, Christ unable to forgive sins through a priest (sharing His Real Power and Calling and Ministry), the Body being only spiritual, there's no real authority to face except the Bible (which we can interpret to fit our needs, "as the Holy Spirit leads"), works not being a part of salvation (no one is saying Grace is taken out of it, we are given the Grace to have faith just as much as we're given the Grace to work for God's glory), pretribulational rapture ("whew, glad i dont have to face that!"), etc. also, fit somewhere in here, america's money and the people's wealth and the lack of faith b/c of our "rich man" condition (our poorest poor in the top 76 percentile of THE WORLD)-- no real faith b/c no real need-- "america makes us free"

faith alone!
is what we hail
but have we stopped to consider
how that might fail?

faith is really
a complete trust
God, You are Who You are
and that's enough!

that's all well and good
but do we take Him at His Word?
it seems we've stripped the Life
from all these things we've heard

"I'll be with you always"
and "live like I do"
but if you live by Tradition
there's a hex on you

"die to self,
be raised in My Life"
but not by water
that's just an idea, all right?

"I send you out
in the way I was"
but only God can forgive sins
the same pharisee-tical fuss

what's the risk
in once and always saved?
we can sin as we choose!
we can't catch blame!

it doesnt take faith
to be free from works
just believe, man,
dont act like a jerk

when we take the Physical
out of the Body
there's no need for real unity;
our theology's then blotty

how can the world
see Christ in us
when we choose to not even
ride the same bus?

Christ's disciples didnt walk
b/c symbols are hard to accept
Jesus gave us Himself,
His Broken Body in Bread

and we westerners
have it all wrong
why would God choose just us
to save from harm?

what i mean by that
is the pre-trib rap--
what about the world's Christians
who, in Christ, bear the world's flack?

where's the faith
in living off our money?
how often are we in the position
where we have to be running

putting our faith
in the promise of God
simply bear our sufferings
with a trusting nod

the biggest lack of faith
in sola fide
is not having to do
what anyone else would say

well, that's how you see it
but not me
i'll interpret this myself, thanks,
because in Christ, i'm free

that's not Christ's love
to not give us a guide
the Apostles and Peter
what, would Christ lie?

i think we need
to trust God enough
that He gave us a way
to call the world's bluff

God isnt dead
and Christ hasn't left
and let's just put
all of our doubts to rest--

as a child doesnt understand
but will trust his father
these hard-to-swallows
are really gifts from our Lover

it's not as bad as you think

"look, the other day, i intentionally lied because i just really didnt want to hang out with you. i'm sorry. that was selfish and rude. what are you doing this weekend? let's go out and i'm going to buy you a beer."

that's indulgence. righting a wrong and making up for it (willingly accepting a deserved punishment before it's dished out).

a little reminder

well, to me anyway. stop reading. seriously. stop. this isnt for u.

the pocket thomas merton
new seeds pocket classics
merton
robert inchausti

ah yeah

the eMpTy V generation

"You're a bum, Traveras!"

funny. i thought the term "bum" was reserved for people with no class, no decency and no respectability. in the little time these guys were in my life, they fit that description pretty well.

first, a definition, taken from myself (i'm so clever!). an MTV: a head with no original thought (that is, other-than-spoon-fed, personal ideas), a heart void of compassion and non-existent moral fiber encased by a person with no integrity, no conscience, no sense of justice and no strength to live life for the poor, weak and helpless; someone with a lack of respect for anything respectable and respect given only to the despicable; an all-talk showboat living a shallow existence. an empty V. and our society's full of 'em.

we went to a san francisco giants game a couple nights ago and there were a few DB's behind us. it all started with them harassing some old guy who was wearing a Dodgers jacket. all of a sudden, a label is more important than the human wearing it (sounds an awful lot like "infant"ries and the murder/rape/pillaging/killing they do in the name of their respective country. hmm). jenish, the kyrgyz man with a heart of gold (one day, he'll have teeth of gold, too. just like all the other kyrgyz i know!) stood up for the elder man, asking these guys to cool it.

the really cool thing is that these guys respected jenish's polite request, apologized to the gentlemen then continued to enjoy themselves at the game with their whooping and hollering in the name of their team, all while keeping it clean and respectable.

wow, life would be awesome if people would actually be people, huh?

no, these guys didnt stop. it just escalated. a friend of ours got a little tougher with these guys and did they man up and accept the challenge? no, they resorted to crude humor, never actually directed to my friend, b/c then they'd be in trouble. no, it was just about him, doing the "we're not actually doing anything wrong," thing. wow. V with a capital "vvvvvvv."

so my friend got the chance to grow in his patience (a gift from above, without a doubt [1Thess5.18]), jenish got to experience the up and coming generation hailing from the "best country in the world" (isnt that what we're calling it these days?) and i got my heart for humanity (especially this country) challenged. Lord, please help this turn into insightful compassion. i'm lost to cynicism and even bitterness if it's not.

so, just a quick blurb. it makes me sad. thank God He's my Hope and i dont have to trust in or rely on anything in this world b/c it would all count for naught (that's not counting believers. they are a part of God, being the Body of Christ and all. it just sucks when we act like the world. that's another blog for another time, but thanks for being interested). pray for me and pray for us believers and pray for america and pray for western culture and pray for the world.

that pretty much sums it up!